Charlie and the Chocolate factory, one of the most beloved children's stories of all time... Obviously when people say stuff like that they don't account for me with my blackened, withered, charcoal heart. There is so much wrong with this story, i almost don't know where to start...
In the beginning God created the hea... Oh wait, wrong story... Sorry, i promise i'll get it right this time.
In the beginning of this *lovely* story we meet Charlie. A lonely young boy who lives with his two ultra-poor parents and four grandparents who are that age where you just want to ask, "Who's coming to the funeral?" So little charlie is absolutely average in every way except that he is small for his age (doesn't this already sound like some sentimental piece?). Little Charlie and his unrealistically impoverished family happen to live practically next door to the worlds most amazing Chocolate factory. Charlie's one birthday and Christmas present is a candy bar, because that's all they can afford. (I would like to point out a flaw in this logic, how about little Charlie asks for one grandparent a year to be euthanized? It's a win, win, they have one less mouth to feed and less mess to clean up in the mornings. Spoiled brat...) Anyway Charlie gets his chocolate and being the wonderful little boy he is shares it with his parents and his grandparents who proceed to choke on it, because that's about all they're good at...
Anyway, the chocolate factory decides to give out tours to the factory which hasn't been entered in 20 years to 5 children. Of the first four to get it one is morbidly obese, one is a champion, one is super rich, and one is a technological genius. Sounds like the cast of "Big Brother", anyway, and wouldn't you know, more than anything little Charlie wants to tour the factory. It's conveniently his birthday, and instead of grandma georgina in an urn he gets another chocolate bar. Guess what was inside? Chocolate, not a golden ticket. Little charlie gets all depressed, and his grandpa Joe has conveniently been hiding enough money to buy another Chocolate bar. This money plus the money from the first bar could have meant at least two urns to decorate the crumbling mantle (three if you went to "that" part of town") but no, charlie, being the brat h is just buys more chocolate. Yet again, no ticket.
Charlie falls into a spiraling depression, and as he was going to find a window to break and slit his wrists with he notices enough money to buy at lest 20 chocolate bars (or four urns + euthanasia and not having to use the fireplace for the cremation, but no, the little punk just wants the chocolate :/ )
So charlie buys a bar, just chocolate, then another bar, and wouldn't you know it? He finds the last golden ticket, now is that original storytelling, i mean luck, or what?
So Charlie goes home to find his family frozen to death, sorry i mean just the same as when he left. (I need to stop getting those two confused)
They are all happy for him, and his grandpa who has been bedridden for the past twenty years stands up tells Charlie he wants to take him to the factory and proceeds to do a happy dance. How sweet. Like arsenic Kool-aid.
Charlie goes to the factory with his infirm grandpa and meets the wonderful pedophile, i mean candy man, Willy Wonka. The children's reward for going on the tour is a big white van full of candy, and one special child will get a special prize from Wonka himself (if you know what he means).
So, the kids go on a the tour, and shockingly Charlie is the only decent child there, the others are all brats. How could we ever have guessed that one? The fat kid falls in the chocolate river and dies, i mean is saved by some coincidental circumstance.
The kids get on a boat with the predator, I mean Wonka, and go off down the chocolate river that the kid nearly died in. They see some scary non-candy related crap in a tunnel, it's all very ominous... Blah blah blah.
Ok, this is even boring me thinking about this story. Sparknotes version, go!
The find the inventing room. Gum chewing champ turns into a blueberry and dies, i mean is saved by coincidence.
Rich girl falls down a hold and gets eaten alive by squirrels, i mean is saved by luck.
Hacker kid teleports himself through a TV and is trapped there forever, i mean is saved by chance. (I've got to stop being so confused on these things)
Who could have possibly guessed that Charlie would win the "Special Prize", well I sure had no idea... Charlie gets his "special prize" from the pedoph... I mean Wonka. Then he finds out that he gets something else that is less emotionally traumatizing. He wins the whole factory! -throws glitter-
So basically Charlie moves into the factory with his family (yes, the grandparents are STILL alive) and wooptie doo, we're done.
Wasn't that nice? What a great message, if you're obese, a champion, rich, or good with technology, you are evil and get screwed over. If you're stupid and selfish, and can't even pay to euthanize your poor grandparents you should get a prize. Wow. This is really a great one for the whole family.
Ok guys, i hope you liked this, I'm still trying to figure this blog stuff out, so if you have anything you want me to know leave a comment or send me a tweet. @litatrix
Until next time!
Ciao!
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