So, today i was freaking out about my grades (89 in pre-calculus -horrified shriek-) and I was discussing it with my friends we decided that having to play a different instrument for marching season is the root of my problems. Here's how the discussion went...
When you have to give up your bassoon and learn a new instrument for marching season, you can't pass off music.
When you can't pass off music, you spend more time practicing.
When you spend more time practicing you can't study.
When you can't study you make a B.
When you make a B you go to community college.
When you go to community college you don't get into Med. School.
When you don't get into Med. School you disgrace your entire family.
When you disgrace your entire family no one loves you.
When no one loves you, you drive a school bus and live with two ugly cats.
When you live with two ugly cats, your cats die.
When your cats die, you have nothing to live for.
When you have nothing to live for you drive a school bus full of children off a cliff.
Don't drive a school bus full of children off a cliff. Band directors, don't make kids play a different instrument for marching season.
Hope you guys liked this :) i'm kind of crying as i write it because it's the truth, but hopefully you find my pain amusing.
If you liked this, PLEASE leave a comment below or send me a tweet
@litatrix :)
Until next time,
Caio!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Charlie and the Sugar High
Charlie and the Chocolate factory, one of the most beloved children's stories of all time... Obviously when people say stuff like that they don't account for me with my blackened, withered, charcoal heart. There is so much wrong with this story, i almost don't know where to start...
In the beginning God created the hea... Oh wait, wrong story... Sorry, i promise i'll get it right this time.
In the beginning of this *lovely* story we meet Charlie. A lonely young boy who lives with his two ultra-poor parents and four grandparents who are that age where you just want to ask, "Who's coming to the funeral?" So little charlie is absolutely average in every way except that he is small for his age (doesn't this already sound like some sentimental piece?). Little Charlie and his unrealistically impoverished family happen to live practically next door to the worlds most amazing Chocolate factory. Charlie's one birthday and Christmas present is a candy bar, because that's all they can afford. (I would like to point out a flaw in this logic, how about little Charlie asks for one grandparent a year to be euthanized? It's a win, win, they have one less mouth to feed and less mess to clean up in the mornings. Spoiled brat...) Anyway Charlie gets his chocolate and being the wonderful little boy he is shares it with his parents and his grandparents who proceed to choke on it, because that's about all they're good at...
Anyway, the chocolate factory decides to give out tours to the factory which hasn't been entered in 20 years to 5 children. Of the first four to get it one is morbidly obese, one is a champion, one is super rich, and one is a technological genius. Sounds like the cast of "Big Brother", anyway, and wouldn't you know, more than anything little Charlie wants to tour the factory. It's conveniently his birthday, and instead of grandma georgina in an urn he gets another chocolate bar. Guess what was inside? Chocolate, not a golden ticket. Little charlie gets all depressed, and his grandpa Joe has conveniently been hiding enough money to buy another Chocolate bar. This money plus the money from the first bar could have meant at least two urns to decorate the crumbling mantle (three if you went to "that" part of town") but no, charlie, being the brat h is just buys more chocolate. Yet again, no ticket.
Charlie falls into a spiraling depression, and as he was going to find a window to break and slit his wrists with he notices enough money to buy at lest 20 chocolate bars (or four urns + euthanasia and not having to use the fireplace for the cremation, but no, the little punk just wants the chocolate :/ )
So charlie buys a bar, just chocolate, then another bar, and wouldn't you know it? He finds the last golden ticket, now is that original storytelling, i mean luck, or what?
So Charlie goes home to find his family frozen to death, sorry i mean just the same as when he left. (I need to stop getting those two confused)
They are all happy for him, and his grandpa who has been bedridden for the past twenty years stands up tells Charlie he wants to take him to the factory and proceeds to do a happy dance. How sweet. Like arsenic Kool-aid.
Charlie goes to the factory with his infirm grandpa and meets the wonderful pedophile, i mean candy man, Willy Wonka. The children's reward for going on the tour is a big white van full of candy, and one special child will get a special prize from Wonka himself (if you know what he means).
So, the kids go on a the tour, and shockingly Charlie is the only decent child there, the others are all brats. How could we ever have guessed that one? The fat kid falls in the chocolate river and dies, i mean is saved by some coincidental circumstance.
The kids get on a boat with the predator, I mean Wonka, and go off down the chocolate river that the kid nearly died in. They see some scary non-candy related crap in a tunnel, it's all very ominous... Blah blah blah.
Ok, this is even boring me thinking about this story. Sparknotes version, go!
The find the inventing room. Gum chewing champ turns into a blueberry and dies, i mean is saved by coincidence.
Rich girl falls down a hold and gets eaten alive by squirrels, i mean is saved by luck.
Hacker kid teleports himself through a TV and is trapped there forever, i mean is saved by chance. (I've got to stop being so confused on these things)
Who could have possibly guessed that Charlie would win the "Special Prize", well I sure had no idea... Charlie gets his "special prize" from the pedoph... I mean Wonka. Then he finds out that he gets something else that is less emotionally traumatizing. He wins the whole factory! -throws glitter-
So basically Charlie moves into the factory with his family (yes, the grandparents are STILL alive) and wooptie doo, we're done.
Wasn't that nice? What a great message, if you're obese, a champion, rich, or good with technology, you are evil and get screwed over. If you're stupid and selfish, and can't even pay to euthanize your poor grandparents you should get a prize. Wow. This is really a great one for the whole family.
Ok guys, i hope you liked this, I'm still trying to figure this blog stuff out, so if you have anything you want me to know leave a comment or send me a tweet. @litatrix
Until next time!
Ciao!
In the beginning God created the hea... Oh wait, wrong story... Sorry, i promise i'll get it right this time.
In the beginning of this *lovely* story we meet Charlie. A lonely young boy who lives with his two ultra-poor parents and four grandparents who are that age where you just want to ask, "Who's coming to the funeral?" So little charlie is absolutely average in every way except that he is small for his age (doesn't this already sound like some sentimental piece?). Little Charlie and his unrealistically impoverished family happen to live practically next door to the worlds most amazing Chocolate factory. Charlie's one birthday and Christmas present is a candy bar, because that's all they can afford. (I would like to point out a flaw in this logic, how about little Charlie asks for one grandparent a year to be euthanized? It's a win, win, they have one less mouth to feed and less mess to clean up in the mornings. Spoiled brat...) Anyway Charlie gets his chocolate and being the wonderful little boy he is shares it with his parents and his grandparents who proceed to choke on it, because that's about all they're good at...
Anyway, the chocolate factory decides to give out tours to the factory which hasn't been entered in 20 years to 5 children. Of the first four to get it one is morbidly obese, one is a champion, one is super rich, and one is a technological genius. Sounds like the cast of "Big Brother", anyway, and wouldn't you know, more than anything little Charlie wants to tour the factory. It's conveniently his birthday, and instead of grandma georgina in an urn he gets another chocolate bar. Guess what was inside? Chocolate, not a golden ticket. Little charlie gets all depressed, and his grandpa Joe has conveniently been hiding enough money to buy another Chocolate bar. This money plus the money from the first bar could have meant at least two urns to decorate the crumbling mantle (three if you went to "that" part of town") but no, charlie, being the brat h is just buys more chocolate. Yet again, no ticket.
Charlie falls into a spiraling depression, and as he was going to find a window to break and slit his wrists with he notices enough money to buy at lest 20 chocolate bars (or four urns + euthanasia and not having to use the fireplace for the cremation, but no, the little punk just wants the chocolate :/ )
So charlie buys a bar, just chocolate, then another bar, and wouldn't you know it? He finds the last golden ticket, now is that original storytelling, i mean luck, or what?
So Charlie goes home to find his family frozen to death, sorry i mean just the same as when he left. (I need to stop getting those two confused)
They are all happy for him, and his grandpa who has been bedridden for the past twenty years stands up tells Charlie he wants to take him to the factory and proceeds to do a happy dance. How sweet. Like arsenic Kool-aid.
Charlie goes to the factory with his infirm grandpa and meets the wonderful pedophile, i mean candy man, Willy Wonka. The children's reward for going on the tour is a big white van full of candy, and one special child will get a special prize from Wonka himself (if you know what he means).
So, the kids go on a the tour, and shockingly Charlie is the only decent child there, the others are all brats. How could we ever have guessed that one? The fat kid falls in the chocolate river and dies, i mean is saved by some coincidental circumstance.
The kids get on a boat with the predator, I mean Wonka, and go off down the chocolate river that the kid nearly died in. They see some scary non-candy related crap in a tunnel, it's all very ominous... Blah blah blah.
Ok, this is even boring me thinking about this story. Sparknotes version, go!
The find the inventing room. Gum chewing champ turns into a blueberry and dies, i mean is saved by coincidence.
Rich girl falls down a hold and gets eaten alive by squirrels, i mean is saved by luck.
Hacker kid teleports himself through a TV and is trapped there forever, i mean is saved by chance. (I've got to stop being so confused on these things)
Who could have possibly guessed that Charlie would win the "Special Prize", well I sure had no idea... Charlie gets his "special prize" from the pedoph... I mean Wonka. Then he finds out that he gets something else that is less emotionally traumatizing. He wins the whole factory! -throws glitter-
So basically Charlie moves into the factory with his family (yes, the grandparents are STILL alive) and wooptie doo, we're done.
Wasn't that nice? What a great message, if you're obese, a champion, rich, or good with technology, you are evil and get screwed over. If you're stupid and selfish, and can't even pay to euthanize your poor grandparents you should get a prize. Wow. This is really a great one for the whole family.
Ok guys, i hope you liked this, I'm still trying to figure this blog stuff out, so if you have anything you want me to know leave a comment or send me a tweet. @litatrix
Until next time!
Ciao!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Romeo and Juliet
Welcome! If you heard about this from me,I thank you for coming here, if you just found this, hooray!!!!!
Also this is my fist blog post and I apologize in advance if you hate it.
Now that the formalities are out of the way...
Romeo and Juliet, if you have not been under a rock for the past, oh I don't know... 500 years or so I'm sure you have heard of it, and not only have you heard of it, you could probably give me at least the most important story events and plot line. This is possibly the stupidest piece of literature ever written, and now I'm going to rewrite it my way. So if I were to write the story it would go something like this...-wiggles fingers to induce an air of mystery-
Character summaries
Romeo: a sexually confused young man who is pressured by Friar Lawrence to find a wife despite his secret love for Mercutio. (no this is not going to be a bad fan fiction, dirty minded people...) He is also about 40.
Juliet: A quasi-innocent girl of 13 who is heir to an enormous fortune.
Mercutio: One of two characters worth anything.
Friar Lawrence: A fat old man who smokes the things he grows above the church before making any plans.
Nurse: The woman who has raised Juliet from birth because her daughter is dead, and she needs the money to buy alchohol and McDonalds.
Prince: The cheif of law enforcement who would rather have his donuts and coffee than deal with issues between the families of Romeo and Juliet.
Ty'Blatia: A cousin of Juliet, equally well known for her cruelty, and her blood red weave.
No one else is worth mention
Act 1
Romeo is dumped by his underage girlfriend who after attempting a relationship with him decided to become a nun.
A fight breaks out in the street between the families of Romeo and Juliet (bad foreshadowing), and Prince comes in to break it up. There is more bad foreshadowing.
Romeo is walking down the road with his cousin, when an inconsequential servent of Juliet's family comes up to him and asks him to read a guest list for a party Romeo is not invited to. (not only are the public schools not teaching people how to read, they are stealing all of their common sense...) Romeo decides he wants to go to this party, and Mercutio decides to take him for reasons incomprehensible to the rest of the world.
Romeo, Mercutio and about 6 other guys go to the party held by Juliet's family. Romeo runs into Ty'Blatia who goes into a fit of rage screaming, "Hol mah errings! Hol mah shoes! It 'bout to get ugly up in hur!" Juliet's dad tells her to deal with it or suffer the wrath of his personal bodygaurd, Dah'Fwon. Ty'Blatia storms out of the room as the ever smooth Romeo sees Juliet and decides to fall in love with her before realizing she is a Capulet.
Act 2
Like every other normal person in the world Juliet decides to go to her balcony after the party and sit there complaining aloud to no one about her problems (that's completely normal right?)
Little did she know that Romeo snuck away from Mercutio and hid beneath Juliet's bedroom because he is normal like her.
He talks to her, scaring the crud out of her and the two decide that they are going to get married, like any normal couple that met the half-hour before hand. Romeo leaves to go plan the wedding and Juliet tells the Nurse whose response was something like "jalskd Lskelzm fdi aurfb" Juliet assumed that when translated from whiskey this meant "Horray! That is great!" unfortunately her mastery of the whiskey tongue was lacking and it actually meant, "What are you thinking you stupid girl?!"
Romeo found Friar Lawrence passed out in the green house with what looked like a vaporizer in his hand. Romeo shook him awake, and the friar sat bolt upright screaming about the 13 commandments and that #18 was thou shalt not wake one who is high off of mysterious plants. If you haven't already guessed, Romeo didn't have a hard time convincing the friar to perform the marriage ceremony for him and Juliet.
The next day Romeo and Mercutio found a woman in sunglasses, on the beach eating 50 chicken McNuggets and screaming in whiskey for everyone to leave her alone. Mercutio pointed and told Romeo that this was the nurse and he must arrange the wedding plans with her. Fortunately for Romeo he was also fluent in whiskey and they we able to plan the wedding for the next day.
Romeo an Juliet got married. -throws glitter with false enthusiasm-
Act 3
Mercutio is roaming the beach with Romeo tagging along at his heels when Ty'Blatia appeared and attempted to make stuff go down. Mercutio being the fool he is attacked Ty'Blatia and managed to rip out her weave. In her fury she pulled out a pistol and killed Mercutio -weeps for hours-
The rest of the story is pathetic, so this act by act thing just isn't working for me.
Romeo killed Ty'Blatia... Blah blah... Prince banished him... Blah blah... Juliet crying... Blah blah blah... (I'm starting to sound like Ke$ha)
The friar after another of his legendary and suspicious chain smoking sessions decides that making Juliet appear dead will help her and Romeo get back together. (yes it is stupid) and Romeo finds out she's dead and doesn't know she's only pretending, he goes to the tomb and kills himself while by her casket. She wakes up as he dies and then kills herself, and some of the various parents of the couple die.
So basically everybody but the Nurse, Friar, and Prince die. The moral of the story children is, drink, do questionable drugs, or work for the Police and don't fall in love and you will do fine in life.
Please forgive me for this long and quite possibly boring blog post, it is my first attempt and I hope you can forgive its roughness I intend to improve. Until next time, Caio!
Also this is my fist blog post and I apologize in advance if you hate it.
Now that the formalities are out of the way...
Romeo and Juliet, if you have not been under a rock for the past, oh I don't know... 500 years or so I'm sure you have heard of it, and not only have you heard of it, you could probably give me at least the most important story events and plot line. This is possibly the stupidest piece of literature ever written, and now I'm going to rewrite it my way. So if I were to write the story it would go something like this...-wiggles fingers to induce an air of mystery-
Character summaries
Romeo: a sexually confused young man who is pressured by Friar Lawrence to find a wife despite his secret love for Mercutio. (no this is not going to be a bad fan fiction, dirty minded people...) He is also about 40.
Juliet: A quasi-innocent girl of 13 who is heir to an enormous fortune.
Mercutio: One of two characters worth anything.
Friar Lawrence: A fat old man who smokes the things he grows above the church before making any plans.
Nurse: The woman who has raised Juliet from birth because her daughter is dead, and she needs the money to buy alchohol and McDonalds.
Prince: The cheif of law enforcement who would rather have his donuts and coffee than deal with issues between the families of Romeo and Juliet.
Ty'Blatia: A cousin of Juliet, equally well known for her cruelty, and her blood red weave.
No one else is worth mention
Act 1
Romeo is dumped by his underage girlfriend who after attempting a relationship with him decided to become a nun.
A fight breaks out in the street between the families of Romeo and Juliet (bad foreshadowing), and Prince comes in to break it up. There is more bad foreshadowing.
Romeo is walking down the road with his cousin, when an inconsequential servent of Juliet's family comes up to him and asks him to read a guest list for a party Romeo is not invited to. (not only are the public schools not teaching people how to read, they are stealing all of their common sense...) Romeo decides he wants to go to this party, and Mercutio decides to take him for reasons incomprehensible to the rest of the world.
Romeo, Mercutio and about 6 other guys go to the party held by Juliet's family. Romeo runs into Ty'Blatia who goes into a fit of rage screaming, "Hol mah errings! Hol mah shoes! It 'bout to get ugly up in hur!" Juliet's dad tells her to deal with it or suffer the wrath of his personal bodygaurd, Dah'Fwon. Ty'Blatia storms out of the room as the ever smooth Romeo sees Juliet and decides to fall in love with her before realizing she is a Capulet.
Act 2
Like every other normal person in the world Juliet decides to go to her balcony after the party and sit there complaining aloud to no one about her problems (that's completely normal right?)
Little did she know that Romeo snuck away from Mercutio and hid beneath Juliet's bedroom because he is normal like her.
He talks to her, scaring the crud out of her and the two decide that they are going to get married, like any normal couple that met the half-hour before hand. Romeo leaves to go plan the wedding and Juliet tells the Nurse whose response was something like "jalskd Lskelzm fdi aurfb" Juliet assumed that when translated from whiskey this meant "Horray! That is great!" unfortunately her mastery of the whiskey tongue was lacking and it actually meant, "What are you thinking you stupid girl?!"
Romeo found Friar Lawrence passed out in the green house with what looked like a vaporizer in his hand. Romeo shook him awake, and the friar sat bolt upright screaming about the 13 commandments and that #18 was thou shalt not wake one who is high off of mysterious plants. If you haven't already guessed, Romeo didn't have a hard time convincing the friar to perform the marriage ceremony for him and Juliet.
The next day Romeo and Mercutio found a woman in sunglasses, on the beach eating 50 chicken McNuggets and screaming in whiskey for everyone to leave her alone. Mercutio pointed and told Romeo that this was the nurse and he must arrange the wedding plans with her. Fortunately for Romeo he was also fluent in whiskey and they we able to plan the wedding for the next day.
Romeo an Juliet got married. -throws glitter with false enthusiasm-
Act 3
Mercutio is roaming the beach with Romeo tagging along at his heels when Ty'Blatia appeared and attempted to make stuff go down. Mercutio being the fool he is attacked Ty'Blatia and managed to rip out her weave. In her fury she pulled out a pistol and killed Mercutio -weeps for hours-
The rest of the story is pathetic, so this act by act thing just isn't working for me.
Romeo killed Ty'Blatia... Blah blah... Prince banished him... Blah blah... Juliet crying... Blah blah blah... (I'm starting to sound like Ke$ha)
The friar after another of his legendary and suspicious chain smoking sessions decides that making Juliet appear dead will help her and Romeo get back together. (yes it is stupid) and Romeo finds out she's dead and doesn't know she's only pretending, he goes to the tomb and kills himself while by her casket. She wakes up as he dies and then kills herself, and some of the various parents of the couple die.
So basically everybody but the Nurse, Friar, and Prince die. The moral of the story children is, drink, do questionable drugs, or work for the Police and don't fall in love and you will do fine in life.
Please forgive me for this long and quite possibly boring blog post, it is my first attempt and I hope you can forgive its roughness I intend to improve. Until next time, Caio!
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