Welcome! If you heard about this from me,I thank you for coming here, if you just found this, hooray!!!!!
Also this is my fist blog post and I apologize in advance if you hate it.
Now that the formalities are out of the way...
Romeo and Juliet, if you have not been under a rock for the past, oh I don't know... 500 years or so I'm sure you have heard of it, and not only have you heard of it, you could probably give me at least the most important story events and plot line. This is possibly the stupidest piece of literature ever written, and now I'm going to rewrite it my way. So if I were to write the story it would go something like this...-wiggles fingers to induce an air of mystery-
Character summaries
Romeo: a sexually confused young man who is pressured by Friar Lawrence to find a wife despite his secret love for Mercutio. (no this is not going to be a bad fan fiction, dirty minded people...) He is also about 40.
Juliet: A quasi-innocent girl of 13 who is heir to an enormous fortune.
Mercutio: One of two characters worth anything.
Friar Lawrence: A fat old man who smokes the things he grows above the church before making any plans.
Nurse: The woman who has raised Juliet from birth because her daughter is dead, and she needs the money to buy alchohol and McDonalds.
Prince: The cheif of law enforcement who would rather have his donuts and coffee than deal with issues between the families of Romeo and Juliet.
Ty'Blatia: A cousin of Juliet, equally well known for her cruelty, and her blood red weave.
No one else is worth mention
Act 1
Romeo is dumped by his underage girlfriend who after attempting a relationship with him decided to become a nun.
A fight breaks out in the street between the families of Romeo and Juliet (bad foreshadowing), and Prince comes in to break it up. There is more bad foreshadowing.
Romeo is walking down the road with his cousin, when an inconsequential servent of Juliet's family comes up to him and asks him to read a guest list for a party Romeo is not invited to. (not only are the public schools not teaching people how to read, they are stealing all of their common sense...) Romeo decides he wants to go to this party, and Mercutio decides to take him for reasons incomprehensible to the rest of the world.
Romeo, Mercutio and about 6 other guys go to the party held by Juliet's family. Romeo runs into Ty'Blatia who goes into a fit of rage screaming, "Hol mah errings! Hol mah shoes! It 'bout to get ugly up in hur!" Juliet's dad tells her to deal with it or suffer the wrath of his personal bodygaurd, Dah'Fwon. Ty'Blatia storms out of the room as the ever smooth Romeo sees Juliet and decides to fall in love with her before realizing she is a Capulet.
Act 2
Like every other normal person in the world Juliet decides to go to her balcony after the party and sit there complaining aloud to no one about her problems (that's completely normal right?)
Little did she know that Romeo snuck away from Mercutio and hid beneath Juliet's bedroom because he is normal like her.
He talks to her, scaring the crud out of her and the two decide that they are going to get married, like any normal couple that met the half-hour before hand. Romeo leaves to go plan the wedding and Juliet tells the Nurse whose response was something like "jalskd Lskelzm fdi aurfb" Juliet assumed that when translated from whiskey this meant "Horray! That is great!" unfortunately her mastery of the whiskey tongue was lacking and it actually meant, "What are you thinking you stupid girl?!"
Romeo found Friar Lawrence passed out in the green house with what looked like a vaporizer in his hand. Romeo shook him awake, and the friar sat bolt upright screaming about the 13 commandments and that #18 was thou shalt not wake one who is high off of mysterious plants. If you haven't already guessed, Romeo didn't have a hard time convincing the friar to perform the marriage ceremony for him and Juliet.
The next day Romeo and Mercutio found a woman in sunglasses, on the beach eating 50 chicken McNuggets and screaming in whiskey for everyone to leave her alone. Mercutio pointed and told Romeo that this was the nurse and he must arrange the wedding plans with her. Fortunately for Romeo he was also fluent in whiskey and they we able to plan the wedding for the next day.
Romeo an Juliet got married. -throws glitter with false enthusiasm-
Act 3
Mercutio is roaming the beach with Romeo tagging along at his heels when Ty'Blatia appeared and attempted to make stuff go down. Mercutio being the fool he is attacked Ty'Blatia and managed to rip out her weave. In her fury she pulled out a pistol and killed Mercutio -weeps for hours-
The rest of the story is pathetic, so this act by act thing just isn't working for me.
Romeo killed Ty'Blatia... Blah blah... Prince banished him... Blah blah... Juliet crying... Blah blah blah... (I'm starting to sound like Ke$ha)
The friar after another of his legendary and suspicious chain smoking sessions decides that making Juliet appear dead will help her and Romeo get back together. (yes it is stupid) and Romeo finds out she's dead and doesn't know she's only pretending, he goes to the tomb and kills himself while by her casket. She wakes up as he dies and then kills herself, and some of the various parents of the couple die.
So basically everybody but the Nurse, Friar, and Prince die. The moral of the story children is, drink, do questionable drugs, or work for the Police and don't fall in love and you will do fine in life.
Please forgive me for this long and quite possibly boring blog post, it is my first attempt and I hope you can forgive its roughness I intend to improve. Until next time, Caio!
